"I'm gonna motha-effing do shit" list

Get it girl!

Looks sooo fun!

It's that time of year again. The time where we get to reflect on the past year, realize that we've gotten a lot fatter than we thought and we make our resolution to stop being so fat. If I wasn't so fat, I obviously wouldn't be sitting here pondering what my resolution is going to be. If I had followed through on all my resolutions, I'd be the skinniest bitch around and trying to figure out which bikini I'm going to be wearing this summer. Resolutions are made to be broken, and I am the Queen of breaking them. So this year I've decided to make an "I'm gonna motha-effing do shit" list. It goes a little something like this. 1. Legit try to stop being a fat ass. Stop eating good for a week and then fall off the fat wagon. 2. Eat clean. People who eat clean are healthy and hot. 3. Yoga. I love yoga even tho it's probably not the nicest thing to watch. I apologize if you have images of me in the downward dog position, it's my goal to make that look less frightening. 4. Colour Run. There's a 5K colour run in Montreal in August. Google it, seriously. It looks crazy fun. I'm paying for it in January so I have to do it. There's no way I'm wasting $40! There's a few other things unrelated, skydive, tattooes and all that jazz but I really need to focus on the first 4.
This holiday season has been absolutely dreadful in the healthy eating department. Between Starbucks holiday drinks (Caramel Brulee make me wanna punch a nun they're so good), giant turkeys with gravy and baking; I got a wee bit more fat than my last blog. Seriously though, Santa didn't give me willpower for Christmas and tis' the season to be jolly. Jolly=fat fyi. So now, I get to head to the gym with all the other people who decided to change their New Years resolution to getting fit and annoy the regulars there. Hopefully I can keep going to the gym in February and beyond. I'm taking bets for when I'll fall off the wagon and rethink my game plan. I give it 2 weeks....lol

Damn you cupcakes!

Meal prepping like a boss!

It's been a good week! Kind of. I've been making a lot of random yummy healthy food. A couple of smoothies for breakfast (strawberry, banana, Greek yogurt and a bit of orange juice), some healthy cookies, prepped all my dinners for the week in one night. I've been on the train to healthy land. And then I made cupcakes. Damn it. Things were going splendid. The scale even said I lost five pounds (in which I think it's a big fat liar). When I bake things for people, I feel the need to taste it to make sure that everything is good. I make a few extra cupcakes and if they taste good, I go ahead and decorate the shit out of them. Well, when you're changing your eating habits and cupcakes are baked, I literally turn into the "fat kid that loves cake". Side note: they were really good, all 3 of them....*sigh*. Okay, so note to self, until I have a wee bit more willpower, refrain from baking or hire someone to throw rocks at me when I go to eat them.

Quinoa....really good!

I've never been one to eat breakfast but I have been trying to stay pretty consistent in eating it. The passed couple of days I've been pretty busy in the morning and missed breakfast. By like 11am, I'm starving! I'm definitely going to need either prep my breakfasts as well as my dinners or make sure I have the time to eat them. I feel that if I miss breakfast, by lunchtime I'd be willing to eat anything that's healthy or coated in grease or sugar. Most of the time, grease and sugar win.

Healthy cookies!! what what!

I haven't had a chance to get to the gym at all this week. I gotta try for sure this week. Carter's teething and sick (again) so there's not much sleep happening. Hayden and Jaedyn are coughing up lungs and Matt's work hours have been pretty scattered so I haven't had time to squeeze any gym time in. Must try next week seeing as how I have about 10 extra pounds of cupcakes to work off....ugh...

Fatty McFatterson.....

I'm loving this challenge!!

I've fallen off the wagon. Well more like broke one of the wagon wheels cause I've been eating like a big fat fatty. It's been 10 days since I've last blogged and I guess you could say I've been on a food bender. Wow, I totally know what it's like to be a drug addict...but in the food sense. It's been a really busy few days filled with calories, school projects, and birthday parties. My Dad turned 50 so we celebrated his birthday at Kelsey's. Earlier on in my 'healthy eating journey', I decided that I was going to look up the Kelsey's menu and find a healthy dinner to order. Didn't get around to that, probably because I was baking something and eating it. I figured that I would eat whatever I wanted at Kelsey's because I "deserved it". Yes, apparently I am a dog and I can reward myself with food. In anticipation for this "reward", I dug out my maternity jeans to wear. This should have been a sign that it was a bad idea. I anticipated stuffing my face to the point of my pants not fitting......oh man. One pulled pork sandwich, 2 giant glasses of Pepsi and free dessert later, I probably should have been rolled home. Gross. I've also come to realize that I'm an emotional eater. Sad face= stuff my face. Such a vicious cycle. On the upside of all of this, I've been making slightly healthier choices throughout my day that I normally wouldn't. I discovered that tossing some carrot sticks in olive oil and Italian seasoning and then baking it, makes me wanna hump the stove it's so good. I've found a delicious 12 grain bread that is amazeballs. I just need to keep finding healthy things to replace the not so healthy things that I love.
I managed to finish the second week of that fitness thingy that I was doing. Then stuff got busy, Matt was working longer. Projects were due, sleep was lost...I haven't been to the gym in a week now. Makes me sad cause I felt like I was getting into a "groove"....kinda like the butt groove I leave on my couch cushion. Must....get...back...to...gym.....

Food Anonymous Meetings?

Look at my sexy booody.....

I'm pretty sure I have an addiction to food. Despite the fact that I need it to live, as well as keep my wicked awesome figure, it has such a ridiculous hold on me. I had a wicked awesome week. Egg whites for breakfast, whole grain breads and salads for lunch and a protein and veggies for dinner. I didn't snack at all and actually ate a pomegranate for 2 hours (yes, 2 hours) so I wouldn't snack. And then the weekend came. A lot of people had talked about having a cheat day. I noticed while putting Jaedyn's hair up that she had head lice. What a perfect reason to eat horrible comfort food. So Saturday it was. We ordered pizza for dinner and bought chips and junk food. I know that when you have a cheat day, you probably shouldn't eat enough calories for the whole week. I didn't eat nearly as much as I had anticipated, but I felt like I shouldn't have eaten as much as I did. Now please don't imagine me sitting alone on my couch covered in crumbs with empty wrappers around me while I cry. That didn't happen at all. I threw the wrappers out....No but seriously. When you're on a diet or "shunning shitty food" as I like to call it, the idea of eating something that isn't good for you is a "bad" thing. I know I'm gonna feel like crap after I eat that donut, but that donut is going to taste soooo good. More times than none, the image of Fat Bastard from Austin Powers popped into my head. 'I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat'. Once I eat one bad thing, my mind is like "Hey fatass, you've already eaten a cookie, how bought 4 more" Luckily, I didn't let my HORRIBLE weekend ruin the start of this week.
Oh ya, I also went to the gym four times last week. 4 times! Proud of ma self! lol Hitting the gym tomorrow for my second week of Jamie Eason's live fit program. Jamie Eason is a cute little fitness model who seems to know her shit. Hopefully her program helps to firm my shit up...wait that didn't sound right at all....

Nakedness the final frontier.....

What gym is this?!!?

Tricia and I went to the gym the other day so she could sign up. I'm not 100% sure if there was an Aquafit class ending or just a regular swim but when we got there, there was a whole bunch of ladies coming out of the pool into the change room. Now I do not "change" in the changeroom. Let's be honest, if I did, I'd be hiding in a bathroom stall with my eyes closed while changing because even I don't want to see myself naked.  Well, these water logged ladies feel a lot different about being naked in front of other people. I don't make a habit of glancing at naked people in the change room so let's clear that up right away. However, there was one lady in all of her nakedness glory that caught my eye (and not just because she was rather large). Now this lady was large enough to make me look thin. I am in no way judging this woman so please, read on. So with trying to keep chatty conversation with Trish, I noticed that this woman was standing there talking to her friend completely naked. 100%, not a shred of fabric, I don't need a towel to cover me naked. Okay, I understand that it's a change room and these things are normal. But this woman was talking to her friend for a very long time, just letting it all hang out. What's odd is that I didn't once think that the woman was "gross" or needed to put her clothes back on. I was incredibly jealous. Even though the lady was close to 300 pounds, I was jealous! She had more confidence in every inch of her body than I did in my entire 28 years of existence. I hate getting naked alone when I am getting into the shower. If it was socially and hygienically acceptable for me to shower in a t-shirt, I would. This woman was giving the whole change room more of a show than I give my boyfriend on a night when I feel bad cause it's been too long. Too much info for you? Probably...ANYWAY, I'm not saying that I want to be that naked chick in the change room who's working it, but I would like to be that person who can at least not vomit in my mouth when I change in the morning. Mini goal? Yes. Get thin enough to not wanna cry and eat a cookie when I get naked. 

No kids=No willpower....

If you have children, this post will make a lot more sense than if you don't. Things are very different when children are either in bed sleeping or at a sleep over. That's when the good food comes out. The hidden food that you bought and don't want to share. Or the pizza that you order and you again, don't want to share. I literally share everything I have with my kids and very rarely do I do things for myself. I don't even poop by myself most of the time. Apparently, it's family conference time when I do my business. Warning to anyone who doesn't have children, once you do, you lose every ounce of privacy you've ever had. Anyways, back to the point of this post. So with both children gone this weekend, Hayden to his Dad's and Jaedyn to a friends for 2 nights, Matt and I ate horribly. Friday night we ordered Chinese food. I'm sure there's healthy versions of Chinese food that I could have substituted my meal for, but let's be honest, that's not gonna make this hefty mama happy. So in all it's deep fried, battered goodness, unshared Chinese food was a success. Then Saturday night while out doing some running around, for some reason the van decided to go to Taco Bell. We don't go to Taco Bell much and obviously the right time to go is when I've started a diet. I'm not even going to explain to you all the delicious calories I consumed but I do realise that I was probably born without willpower. 

The definition of willpower is 'self-control: the trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior'. I definitely have none of that. I feel like I use all my self control up in other aspects of my life. Containing my road rage can be a really daunting task and that takes an incredible amount of self control therefore I have no choice but to order Taco Bell to even things out in my life. If you've bought this excuse then I feel as though I have accomplished something. So, it's Monday. A new start to the week. And yet again, I see myself mentally preparing for a clean eating healthy week (with the exception of today) So with a teething sick coughy infant, a sick coughy 5 year old and a 9 year old's huge Castle project due, I begin on my quest yet again. Let the healthy eating, lame excuses and crying because I ate too many cookies week begin!!

Death to candy!

I've had FAR too many visits
from this fairy

         I'm not sure who thought of putting Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas so close together but obviously they weren't on a diet. Thanksgiving, we spend eating as much food as we can. This year I even contemplated putting on my maternity jeans to get a wee bit more room for pie. Then once we recover from Thanksgiving, we move on to Halloween. Although it is a day for children, it took over new meaning once I had kids. It meant I get to dress them up, send them out and I get to eat candy. Heck ya! This year I'm approaching things a little different. I'm hoping that I can keep the consumption to a minimum. I also realized via Facebook pictures that I haven't really dressed up for Halloween since I was like 14. I've never had the chance to be a "Halloween Whore" like many other girls have. I do have children so the last thing I want to do is embarrass them but let's be honest, every girl needs to have their boobs hang out as a "witch" or "fairy" once in a while. Let's be honest, if I were to stuff myself into a "fairy" costume, it would clearly be the scariest thing you've ever seen. So mini goal for next year, lose the gut and let the boobs hang out for a Halloween party. All I have to do is figure out how not to eat holiday baked goods until I can't move.
         So with trying my best to have some Halloween candy restraint I also have decided to designate a night for 'food prep night'. On Pinterest, there are a lot of different pins devoted to meal prep. I found one that gives you a good list of things to cook one night a week and keep in the freezer for the rest of the week. Boiling eggs, cooking chicken, cutting up veggies. Kind of no-brainer stuff that I clearer should have thought of before. It will be much easier to grab food already prepped rather than trying to make a meal while feeding Carter, helping Jae with homework and trying to figure out why Hayden is having another crying fit. As we speak, Hayden is freaking out cause he keeps dropping his Goldfish crackers and Carter is crawling his way towards the kitchen to destroy something I'm sure....
        Gym membership start back up this month! Not only am I pumped to work out again but I get at least an hour away from the madness at home...Thank you baby Jesus!!

Clean Eating...so I wash my food??

Look at the calories wash away!!

Alright. I've started with the research phase of my weight loss. It's quite obvious to me that skinny people take the time to sit in front of their computer and Google ways to find out how to get skinny. I'm on my way! I recently started following this fitness model on fb. Her name is Kelsey Byers and she used to be fat and now she's a banging fitness model. Even her before pictures are skinnier than I am...fml. Anypoop, she has a blog and talks a lot about clean eating. I had a blonde moment and assumed that I was fat because I wasn't cleaning my food properly. Judge me all you want, but I was pretty pumped that I could merely wash the calories off my food. I was wrong. You eat complex carbs, (uh ok?) lean protein, and healthy fat (pfft...like they exist) Okay, so in fat girl language that means nothing. So with a little further Google action, I think I've got this figured out. Lean meats are no problem, I really only like chicken and turkey anyway. Also, I've switched our ground beef to ground turkey since all that crazy E Coli stuff has been happening. The kids don't notice the difference and it's better for them. I always thought that carbs=bad so I figured you should avoid them, which obviously I have not. Upon further reading, it's actually not rocket science as to the good carbs and bad carbs. Brown rice, sweet potatoes, oatmeal not too bad. So this week's menu planning and grocery shopping should be an adventure. Lots of meat and veggies. The one and only thing I remember from school, is that you should shop along the outside of the grocery store because everything processed and delicious is on the inside aisles. So eff you inside aisles!!
My gym membership starts back up November 1st. So now I need to figure out how I'm gonna go there and not look like a dumb ass. When I go, I feel like people are silently making fun of me. I always have the "I just had a baby" excuse ready if need be. With Carter almost 7 months old, I'm not sure how much longer I can use that excuse. And now I Google....

Damn you Pumpkin deliciousness!

           One week down. Progress? Nope. Weight Loss? Nope. Motivation? Not really. I need to get my ass into gear. The last couple of days I've been feeling crappy and today I woke up with a face full of snot. Maybe that's why the scale says I gained 2 pounds. Yes, I'll go with that excuse today. I can honestly say, I'm lost. I literally have no idea where to start. I went to Walmart with no plan and bought food that looked healthy. Pretty sure I haven't eaten any of them. I don't know if I should be doing cardio or lifting weights. Stretching or swimming...gah...so lost. Tomorrow I'm gonna figure this shit out. Tomorrow...one of the words that I've become very familiar with...ugh.

I have such a love-hate relationship for you!

           I've also come to realize that I've come into quite a food routine. On the weekend, I went out by myself for the day. When I go to the mall, I always go to Starbucks. I have a soft spot for Pumpkin Spice Latte's and they have this ridiculous control over me. Anywho, are you aware that a Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte is 360 calories. I'm sure if I were to get it without whip and with skim milk, that would cut the calories, but let's be honest with ourselves that's not going to happen. So after walking around the mall, drinking my cup o' calories, I leave to head home. Hey, did you know that Dairy Queen has Pumpkin Pie Blizzards this time of year? I do, because my fat ass stopped for one of those too....Why? Because I had no children with me and I wanted ice cream and didn't want to share. Well let's take a moment to Google the calories in a mini Pumpkin Pie Blizzard. Note- I ordered a mini Blizzard so I wouldn't feel so bad about eating it. HA! Alright, Google search done. A MINI Blizzard is 370 calories. So with just those 2 delicious yet disastrous treats, I consumed 730 calories. Wow...and I'm having a hard time figuring out where to start? Allow me to punch myself in the face for being such a dumb ass. Step 1 tomorrow...figure out all the extra unnecessary crap I eat and then don't eat it. :)

Ain't like it used to be

Their smiles are deceiving...

I'm not sure if it's been more than 5 years since I've worked out at home, but it definitely ain't like it used to be. It's going to be interesting incorporating children into a workout. I was dead set on starting the Jillian Michael's 30 day shred today and then I realized that not only do I have a six month old slithering around on the floor, I have a 5 year old home who wants to play. Hayden goes to school every other day so there are some days that working out is easier than others. We recently set our Wii back up and Hayden has the Wii Fit Nickelodeon game. After a quick game of Mario Party, which I whooped his butt in, (NO MERCY!) I decided to play his Wii fit game with him. I'm not sure if I'm incredibly unfit or if he is just a hardcore little boy. While doing the Backyardigans relay (yes, Backyardigans) he's screaming at me to move faster! Have you ever hustled your ass running on the spot because a 5 year old is barking orders at you!? It's intense! Don't even get me started on the Diego rowing game. "Mommy, there's a waterfall!!!! ROW ROW ROW!!!!!!" It's one thing to see a little Diego character disappointed but when your kid has to show you how to do it properly, you feel like a tool bag. I forgot how huffy and puffy the Wii can make me! I'm sure if I spend an hour dancing like MJ, that's gotta count for some cardio. Maybe if I set Carter up on the floor, I can use him as a hurdle and make my house an obstacle course....hmmm...I've never been more excited to go to the gym as I am now. However, in the back of my mind Hayden will be screaming at me to move faster. Motivation at it's finest.

Flu...eff you!

This is an actual picture of me....lol

Well yesterday started off with a bang. A big ol' bloated, crampy, I hate being a girl bang. If you have no idea what I'm talking about then you obviously have a penis and for this week, you're the enemy. What a horrible time for mother nature to make a pit stop. Eff. All the ambition and determination I had before, out the window. I just wanna lie down and die quietly and then to make matters even better, I woke up today feeling flu-ish. I did fairly well with staying away from food that I know is bad for me yesterday. The pumpkin pie oatmeal was actually really good and it filled me up until lunch. I opted out of having a coffee from Tim Hortons and had a green tea and honey at home instead. I think I could get used to that. I'm sure green tea has 1000 things that make it good for you, so that's a plus. Both yesterday and today, I have little want to get up and be active. I put the dishes away this morning and got all light headed. Going for a walk is not high on my list, unless it's to go to the bathroom and die.

I went to Walmart yesterday to pick up some food of the healthy genre. Now my fridge is packed with random bright fruits, green leafy things and crunchy veggies. I realize I have no plan. I'm a planner. I make lists for everything. I've decided to use my time being sick to meal plan. It only makes sense to have everything written down in front of me. So now I get to go on a Pinterest scavenger hunt to find recipes and such to make. Food+Pinterest should make me feel better! Here's hoping I wake up tomorrow and feel human again. Maybe if this flu makes me start to puke, it'll jump start my weight loss....lol

Big ol' thumbs down
for today

Day one....Normally the easiest day of a diet. You're all pumped and determined to start it. You don't need crappy food! It doesn't own you! See you later fat! And it begins....
I woke up this morning and weighed myself. Please note: I will never let you know my actual weight. Well at least until I weigh 120pds which in turn means, I
will never let you know my actual weight. I'll let you know how much I've lost and/or gained but a lady has to leave some things a mystery. So bright and early, I woke up this morning and stepped on my scale. After double checking the ginormous number on the scale, I contemplated smashing it in revenge for it showing me a number I am not a fan of. Unfortunately, I need the stupid thing so after referring to it as the 'c' word, I put it away. I sure did call my scale a name. Last night before bed, I made crockpot pumpkin pie oatmeal. I'm not really a fan of oatmeal but I am of pumpkin pie. You win some, you lose some. I needed to make sure that I had something quick and easy to make for breakfast. Getting up with a baby all night means I spend the morning on zombie mode. Also I have to wake up the other 2, making them breakfast and doing hair and clothes and then getting them to schoool so it's definitely gotta be something fast. With full intention of eating this for breakfast once I dropped Jaedyn off from school, things changed. My cousin Bob had asked me if I could take him to Canadian Tire once I dropped Jaedyn off. No problem, I'll have my breakfast when I get home from doing that. Long story short, we stopped at McDonalds to grab him and Hayden breakfast and it turned into me eating a top of a muffin and an egg from an egg McMuffin. Damn it. I had full intention of not eating anything from there but damn you McDonald's, I did. So I blew day one....lol. I'm hoping that Matt gets home relatively early from work so I can at least take my McAss for a walk. The boys are both getting a cold and the weather is kinda crappy so I want to keep them in. Worst comes to worst, I'll run up and down my stairs until I McPuke. Tomorrow's a new day!!

Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal! I'm gonna eat you....tomorrow

I'm kind of a BIG deal...

It's been quite some time that I've been keeping a pretty big secret. This might surprise some of you, but I'm fat. I know, it's hard to handle, but it's true. I've been fat for quite some time now but with a recent pregnancy and big ol' dose of denial, it seems like I can't hide it anymore. Crap. Having always been the "fat one' but no one said it, I think it's time in my life to change that. I could say it's for health reasons, give you a story about how I wanna be around for a long time for my children. That sounds good, and sure it's a factor but really I just wanna be hot. Well, hotter than I am already. So after a billion failed diets, I thought I'd take it to the web and broadcast it to the world....actually just my facebook friends really. In preparation for this quest, I've decided to wait and start it on Monday...lol. Take the weekend, eat some crap and then jump right on the horse (hopefully I don't crush it) and go balls out on Monday. I literally have no knowledge in fitness and hardly any in healthy eating (obviously) so it's gonna be interesting. I'm sure I can google something fun. I leave you with a reminder of how GD fat I've gotten :)

Seriously....Wow....

No one should have that much fat bunch up while wearing a dress.

That boa ain't hiding nothing!

I do look banging but still a fatty.