Paleo???

         I've heard a lot about this eating plan and thought that I would give it a try. Why not? I've tried eating healthy every way known to man. After doing probably far too much research than I needed to, really I should have just started eating healthier while doing it, I think I have it all figured out. If following people on Instagram who ate healthy made you skinny, I'd be the skinniest bitch around. I found a 2 week Paleo meal plan that I based my grocery shopping off of. For those of you who don't know what Paleo is, let me save you a few seconds of googling it.

The Paleolithic diet consists mainly of fish, grass-fed pasture raised meats, eggs, vegetables, fruit, fungi, roots, and nuts, and excludes grains, legumes, dairy products, potatoes, refined salt, refined sugar, and processed oils.

          Realistically, there is no way I can justify paying for grain fed meat. I have three children to feed as well. Looks like I'm gonna be sticking to hormone pumped fatty cows and steroid raging chickens instead. I'm sure that it's a lot better for me and the kids to eat grass fed, organic stuff, but it's just not in the financial cards.
         Just like any good failed diet, I obviously cannot begin it on a weekend. With Monday just around the corner, that looks like the sure start date to my 'caveman' diet. I've decided to prep some food so I have no excuse to grab something unhealthy. I wish that it was simple enough to eliminate all unhealthy food in my house but if I don't provide my kids with some sort of sugary snack, they'll riot. Children are frightening now a days! Tonight I'm making Paleo chili, no beans in it...which is good cause beans are little balls of mushy grossness. Gonna chop a bunch of veggies for easy grabbing and boil some eggs.
       Now too eat as much sugar and shit food as I possibly can before tomorrow. Expect a crazy angry sugar deprived blog entry my tomorrow.

And we begin again....

       It's been a REALLY long time since I've blogged. To sum things up as fast as possible, things have fallen apart...fatly. I don't think it's really possible to pinpoint the time in which I switched back to Fattyville, but I'm pretty sure I've become the president. I developed an addiction to a little ditty called a Caramel Apple Fritter. It became my crack, and I'm not even sure what being on crack is like! The workouts stopped, the gym became vacant and I'm pretty sure I managed to become fatter. I've managed to stay away from the scale, but I can tell by my GIANT reflection on the mirror that shit got bigger. I began to tell myself that being healthy was obviously something that I'm not good at, something that I can't see myself committing to for the rest of my life. I'm not sure why it's so much easier to eat like a heffer but I'm really, really good at it. Life seemed to get the best of me and I put myself on the back burner yet again.
        More than ever, I definitely need to get fit. I got engaged a month ago and the only thing that stresses me out the most about the wedding is the way I'm gonna look. No girl wants to be fat on their wedding day. My biggest fear is that I'm going to look back on that day and regret that I did nothing to change the way I look. Anyone who knows me, knows that I do NOT wear tank tops. I can't stand the look of my giant arms and I really feel like it is a my responsibility to society to keep those giant eye sores covered. That creates quite a predicament for me and the wedding dress situation. Dresses with sleeves are kinda ugly. No offence if you've worn one, but that's just my personal opinion. Then there's the shawl route. However, everyone's gonna know that I'm wearing a shawl cause I'm a big fat fatty and not because I think it's pretty. I wanna wear a strapless dress that makes my boobs stand out and look fantastic. I wanna rock the shit out of it! So again, I begin my never ending cycle of 'getting healthy'. I suppose I should go into this new adventure with a more positive attitude. I do have a BIG goal and a fairly LARGE reward at the end of this adventure....let's see how this one lasts. I say 2 weeks....any bets? lol
     Oh ya, I'm still doing the Colour Run in August. The only training I've started is walking from the fridge to the couch. If that was an actual event, I'd win Gold for sure!

      It's been too long since I've blogged. I think the main reason is because I have nothing to write about that I'm proud of. I've definitely fallen back into my old patterns. Late night eating, not being conscious of what I'm putting into my mouth. Although I've started eating fat ass foods again, I've noticed I've picked healthier foods because they taste better. A couple of times for lunch this week I made spaghetti squash with garlic shrimp and tomato sauce. Spaghetti squash tastes so good it makes me want to hump things. And humping things is a lot better than eating things. Imagine the calories I'd burn! I've thrown chicken breasts into the Crockpot with chicken broth, onions and rosemary and let them cook for 8 hours. Holy craphole. So good. Enough talking about food, it's making me hungry.
     A couple of missed nights of working out and a trip to the hospital because of stomach pain has really put a damper on working out. Also, getting drunk on the weekend and being hung over the entire next day doesn't help. And when I say the entire day, I mean the ENTIRE day. That's why I never drink, I lose days. Tonight we started the second phase of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. Pretty proud of us for even being able to move on to the second part of her death workouts. Phase 2 is a lot more fun than the first phase but it did make me feel like I had never worked out before. It didn't matter how cold it was outside, that crazy lady made me sweat balls. I'm hoping that this week stays more consistent and my fat fingers stay out of the shitty foods.

Ummm....

      Yesterday was Family Day and the YMCA was having a free Family Swim. I really wanted the kids to get out of the house so I suggested to them that we go. I really should have thought about it before I opened my mouth because going swimming obviously involves bathing suits. Wearing a bathing suit in public makes me want to vomit, cry and then apologize to anyone who sees me wearing said bathing suit. So...off we go. I must admit, there were a lot of pretty sites there. Some women wearing bathing suits a bit too small for them, some with bathing suits that needed a lot more fabric and some who clearly didn't give a shit what they were wearing. And then there was me. That fat girl trying to hide behind her kids and a towel. The towel obviously wasn't hiding nothing and the kid kept pulling down my bathing suit top which I'm sure gave some preteen quite a show of my nipples. (You're welcome) I must admit though, I was jealous of the women wearing bikini's that clearly should not have. I don't feel that I will ever in my life be able to wear a bikini. Hell, I don't even think I will be able to wear a bikini when I clearly "shouldn't" in public. So hats off to you ladies. The ones who have had babies and their little tummies were stretched to the max and are still strutting their shit in a bikini. Hell ya girl! This fat girl will eat a piece of pizza for ya! Okay well maybe not but you get what I'm saying....

Oh Jillian...

      Have you ever noticed that when you lose weight, you totally put yourself in denial of your clothes wearing ability? Once you find out that you've lost five pounds, you immediately go to your "This is gonna fit me someday" drawer and grab that pair of jeans that is roughly 6 sizes too small. Of course it's going to fit, you've lost 5 pounds! WRONG! I've tried my best to stay away from that drawer but I feel like when I put my clothes on, I expect them to look better. I've lost 7 pounds, I shouldn't look like a blimp anymore. *sigh* Wrong every time. I still look as fat as I always have. I need to lose more weight pronto.
     This week has definitely been a rough one. A cheat day turned into a cheat weekend and the workouts were few. It's always nice to have someone who you thought was a friend remind you that you use food as a "release". Kinda made me wanna "release" my dinner all over the floor. Jaedyn had her birthday today and requested taco's for dinner. I didn't really have the energy to make something healthy for myself and probably shouldn't have eaten as many taco's as I did. And then there was the birthday cake and ice cream (Bless my wonderful Aunt for remembering) It's odd how I feel so tired and lardass-ish since I've eaten a bit of sugar the last few days. I need to get back on track and take time to plan my meals again.

     We've added Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred to our workouts. That bitch is even frightening on a DVD. I can't imagine how badly I would puke and cry if she trained me in person. That totally explains why the people who are trained by her on Biggest Loser lose so much weight. Fear. I obviously need to incorporate a tiny but of fear into my workouts. I'm sure it's easy to find a ton of tarantula's to hang behind me on the treadmill so I just keep running Forrest Gump style. Life is like a box of chocolates and I gotta figure out how to get my fat ass to stop eating them.

The 'Weight" is over...weigh in day!

      2 weeks down. Working out 4 times a week and eating as healthy as my fat little body can handle. After 2 weeks of trying my best not to order a donut, eating the kids school snacks, or trying to find healthier ways to eat the foods I love; it was weigh in time. I do admit, I feel a bit thinner. I think the best way to gauge as to whether or not you have lost weight is by your clothes. Well obviously if you step on a scale and it says you've lost weight then you've lost weight smart ass. Let me break it down for you. You've just finished the laundry and you're pulling your jeans out of the dryer. Your jeans are always at their tightest when you just get them out of the dryer. So if you put them on and they're not as tight, your fat ass has lost some weight! People can say all the time that their clothes are looser, but did you put those clothes on right out of the dryer? Probably not tubby...Anyway, steppin' on the scale time. According to the scale, I've lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks and by my measurements I'm down roughly 4 inches overall. I know that is something that I should be really excited about but I feel like I could have done better. Tubby Twin said she felt like all she could think about was the bad things she ate and how she shouldn't have eaten them. Along with that I thought about the things that I could have done to get myself moving. Rather than sitting and watching tv, I totally should have ran on the spot throughout commercials or something. It's really easy to be hard on myself so I suppose I should use it as motivation for my next weigh in.
      We've welcomed a new member to the Durant gym this week! We'll call her Chilly Chubby Chick. The gym is in a garage that is currently being heated by little area heaters and of course our incredible hot asses. This week has been so cold, it's almost impossible to sweat in that gym.(It could be that we're not working out that hard but whatever...lol) It definitely isn't a place for someone to come if they are already cold all the time. Chilly Chubby Chick said she's cold even at home, so it's definitely going to take some adjusting for her...lol

My week in food...Greek yogurt with strawberries and chia seeds;
cherry tomatoes and roasted chick peas; my muffins! and onions
sweet potatoes and broccoli...

    OH! I have tried baking something healthy on three different occasions recently. The first time baked some cookies that was basically oats, bananas and peanut butter. I'm sure it was mistaken for a recipe for dog treats because that's definitely what it tasted like. The second thing I baked was protein brownies. No, just no. I used WAY too much Splenda when I thought I wasn't even using enough. I could taste the fake sugar before I even put it to my mouth. It was ridiculous and frankly, made this fat girl sad. Finally, FINALLY, I tried making Strawberry Chocolate Chip muffins. They were good! I substituted regular brown sugar for Splenda and whole wheat flour for regular flour. Not only did they taste good but I don't feel like such a big fat failure when I'm eating them :)

Excuses, excuses

Best ever!

      Ohhh look, new template. People running seemed a bit more fitting for a blog about healthy eating and exercising (or lack there of). Also, it's orange and that colour makes me happy. Except when I'm wearing it, I look like a giant pumpkin waiting to be carved.
So with the first week down of actually watching what I eat and exercising, I'm feeling sore today. Normally this would be a reason for me to not work out. Actually I can probably list you 100 reasons why I don't work out. Here's a few of my fave.

1. I can't miss Vampire Diaries tonight, I better stay home. (I now PVR it, duh)
2. Ugh...my tummy is upset. I may vomit or poop my pants on the treadmill, I better stay home. (Now that I think about it, pooping myself on a treadmill would be pretty hilarious and think about the weight loss!)
3. I have too much to do at home, dishes; laundry; cleaning....(Why I ever thought I should stay home to clean is beyond me, allow me to smack myself in the head)
4. I have no one to go with, I don't wanna do this alone. (Why would I want anyone to come with me so they can see me panting like a fat kid at an all you can eat buffet)
5. I'm way too fat to be working out. (Not really much I can say about this one. It's like saying I'm too stinky to shower....)

       There really are no excuses that are valid anymore. It also helps that there are 2 other people waiting for you at the Garage gym, although Baby Arms used the "my daughter is too sick for me to come in" excuse last night. Too bad I literally live a 2 second drive away...damn it.
       The best part of this whole healthy eating this is I've discovered that I like to cook! I buy all these random new veggies and lean meats and try and figure out what to do with them. Yesterday I made stuffed peppers for the first time. I've never eaten stuffed peppers before and I'm glad no one was here to see it. I sat there looking at my pepper for about 5 minutes trying to figure out if I cut it, scoop the stuff out or what. I used the pepper as a bowl kinda, ate the stuff in the middle and then ate the pepper like an apple...lol It takes a lot more thought to eat healthy. Normally, a side would be french fries or something fried would be thrown on a plate with a burger or something. Now I try to figure out which ways I can make veggies. Baked, sauteed, or steamed. I didn't realize how many different ways you can make certain veggies. Broccoli in the oven with some garlic and lemon is so good it makes me wanna punch deep fried onion rings in their fatty face. The biggest problem I've had is drinking water. I really don't drink anything throughout the day. I need to find some way to remember to drink water. However, my lack of drinking water would be really beneficial for me if I was ever lost in the desert. Maybe every time I think about eating something unhealthy, I should water. I'm gonna be peeing constantly!!

Garage Gyming It!!

I'm definitely gonna wear this the next time I work-out

           Society has really put a damper on the way people look at their body image. We spend all our time assuming that the more attractive woman should be skinny. I've always had a negative opinion on the way that I look and assumed that I would look better if I was skinnier. The other night I was thrown a curve ball when my boyfriend said to me that he wasn't sure he wanted me to lose any weight. Are you kidding me? Obviously I haven't shown him my hideous naked body enough or he's miraculously erased it from his memory. He said that he was fine with the way that I looked and pointed out a few of my ASSets, that he was a fan of. Now I know it was incredibly sweet of him to say this, reassuring me that I'm not a hideous fatty but really think of it logically. How many guys do you see gawking at the chick at the beach wearing a t-shirt because she'd rather drown than wear a bathing suit? And I know I've never heard, 'DAMN look at the muffin top on that chick! I just wanna rub myself all over those fat rolls.' Flat abs? Pshh...give me a woman with stretch marks and I'm in boner heaven! I guess it's hard to believe that a real woman is something that a man can be attracted to.
          With quitting the gym I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to find ways to workout effectively. Wow, that sounded professional, ANYPOOP my cousin Bob was planning on making a gym in his garage. This was perfect because I needed somewhere to go and someone to help me stay motivated. Honestly, if you're looking to lose weight, grab two friends and weigh yourself in front of them. It's a truly life changing experience. They're lucky that I didn't weigh myself the way I usually do. Completely naked while crying and planning what I'm going to eat to make myself feel better. The less clothes I'm wearing, the lighter it'll be right?! Now I'm not the only one that knows my little fat ass secret. They do too. They know that at night sometimes you stop at Tim Horton's and get a donut while you're alone because you don't want to have to share with a kid. Of course they know, they've seen the number on the scale. What's even better is taking your measurements with them too. I've kind of mastered layering my clothing enough for people to think that I may not be as fat as I appear. It could be layers of clothing which in turn is going to make me more 'thick'. News flash, I'm really that fat. What helps even more, is having a friend who's significantly skinnier than you to partake in this little adventure. While doing our measurements, it was apparent that she was smaller in inches...everywhere. One would say she has the arms of an infant, so we'll refer to her as Baby Arms. I'm at the point in my life where if I was as thin as Baby Arms, I'd be a happy former fat girl. Also, try your best to find a friend who is exactly the same as you in almost every aspect of your body. We'll call her Tubby Twin. (I mean that in the most loving way possible) Tubby twin was brave enough to get on the scale first. Really, she should be given a 5pound advantage at the next weigh in just for having the balls to weigh in first. When I realised that she was the same weight as me, an unspoken competition began. Well I guess you could say that it's kind of spoken now. We've spent all week working out and staying fairly true to our healthy eating plans for the week. I've unfortunately had a coffee from Tim Horton's every day. Damn it Tim Horton's! I've mentioned you twice in this post, clearly it's one of the contributing reasons why I'm a Plump Princess. We decided that we were going to wait 2 weeks before we'd weigh ourselves again. I left my scale at Tubby Twin's so I won't be able to check how much I have sucked this week. This week I made mini goals to drink more water (I haven't really drank any) and to cut out Tim Horton's completely (someone MAY die this week).